Just be.

When you are a parent, every new page is unwritten. You have never done this before, you are the first to parent your particular child, and each new day is a new opportunity to be better than the last. This week, each day I have felt a little worse at being a mother than the one before. Don’t get my wrong- this is not a pity party, but for the first time since I have had children- I didn’t know what to do- moreover the things I thought I knew to do weren’t working.

I have always had sleep battles with my boys. It seems to be common waters with having a baby. While I have found some helpful advice when it comes to parenting (ie. birthing, breastfeeding, sleeping, routine, consistency) there is one area that I am yet to really feel confident in my role. That role being discipline. Things had been going quite well until recently. My E who is 32mths. (just over 2.5 yrs) is such a sweet heart. I have rarely had problems with him acting out, he is quite curious, respectful and sensitive to what is going on with others around him. This last week however, I felt as though someone took my child and replaced him with an unreasonable, screaming, crying, disobedient- dare I say brat! I said it. This week has been frustrating to say the least, and today was our tipping point.

I can’t even start with all of the reading I’ve been doing. Timeouts, spankings, positive reinforcement… you name it. I have been desparately seeking answers to help me relate to my screaming Toddler- to actually be able to communicate with him. I haven’t really decided what action I need to take- but let’s just say timeouts have been pretty lame on the home front. When I have a crying baby who needs to eat and go to sleep, in my arms, and a crying Toddler saying “mommy, hold me!” I suddenly feel inadequate. It feels like choosing. And, I do have to choose, but not because one is loved less.

I have been “trying” to give E undivided one on one time, and I know in my heart, that is what he needs. Being a mom is tough. We may make jokes- but let’s face it- the struggles of an individual just are not that funny when you are walking through it. When you really haven’t slept in months, and your baby is just not giving in. When your husband will still be working for another 6 hours and you want to go hide in the bathroom. When you sit down to drink a cup of coffee but have to either chug it or drink it cold 😉

Tonight I had a good time with E. G was in bed, and all was quiet. We had our normal bed time routine- and as I was leaving out of his room he said “Mommy, don’t leave me alone.” I went to him, and said I was still here… and I asked if I had left him alone. He said yes. I apologized if I had made him feel sad. And he brought back a time from earlier in the day that he was sad. Wow, kids are amazing. I know he is a little person with feelings and thoughts, yet I don’t always treat him so- and although he can’t always communicate what he is feeling, he is processing it somehow.  E had been so amazing the last 8.5 months since G arrived. I think this week it took it’s tole on my little bubs. He kinda missed just having his mamma and daddy. He even started calling me mamma again- which he hasn’t done for a while (mommy usually)

Life is confusing. I know parents have multiple kids, and brothers have siblings all the time, all over the world- but, thats what is happening in our house. Today we are figuring it out, and tomorrow I will be better 🙂