Summer is such an interesting season. I love it for the sunny days, warm weather, and the beautiful color, life and fresh air that accompany it. Yet I find we are in such a strange rhythm. It’s hard not to feel as though I have to make the most of every moment before our “freedom” is over. Before we are back to school, and the cold weather days of boots, mittens and snow coats are upon us. I am fighting to savour this season, all the while lamenting it as it slips by. Day leads into the next, and here we are nearly into August.
While I was out pushing Fin on the swing the other day- I whispered a prayer over her.
” You talking ’bout me mama?” I told her I was, I was talking to Jesus. And in that moment I felt this cry in my heart to just be me with my kids. Not the mom I think I need to be- the disciplinarian, the practical one, the hard worker- the one that leads by example and doesn’t eat treats before breakfast. I want to just be the me God created me to be- which for me comes pretty easy with just about everyone but my kids. There are such high stakes. Oh how I long to “get it right.”
So much of the day I am focused on what I should be getting done, what I want to get done, and the unexpected things that come up between all of that, that often dominate most of my time.
“Rest! Rest” My heart says. While the other side says ” DO, DO! Then you can rest!”
I am slowly learning to lay down a bit of my to do list, and enjoy the cuddles on the couch. The admiring of lego creations and having sprinkler dance parties. I am offering the kids a treat in the middle of the day, and we are riding our bikes in the morning. I am learning not to cry over spilled milk.
I don’t really struggle with feeling the “mom guilt” so many talk about. But I often have a constant struggle of prioritizing. Savouring the now without thinking of alllll the things I have to do next. I am a hard worker- I know that about myself- I can put my head down and stick to my task when given the chance- but as a mama, I need to remember to look up once in a while. I feel like my kids are turning into teenagers!
One evening my boys asked to create some flower arrangements. It was past bed time, I was tired- it had been a long day. But I obliged- and I know that I will always remember that moment. They may or may not… but it was so special to see them savour this time with their mama, doing something she loves so much. Something they love so much.
Walking around the garden as they selected each flower. Pulling off the leaves- placing each bloom. It was precious. My oldest runs out to check the garden every morning before anyone else. To see whats opened, what is growing… I love seeing their little heads walk through the rows. Hearing the updates of what is blooming. Eating a few fresh berries or tomatoes at of the palm of their little hands.
I hope my kids can get to know me. Who their mama is- what makes her tick- why her faith is so important, and how she longs to love others. That she hopes the best for them, and wants to see them flourish. To know God as a friend and a father.
So many hopes in this mama heart of mine. Being a mama is like nothing else I have experienced. You are all in. You feel so much for your kids. The best thing I can do is trust. Trust God that he will care for them in all the ways I can not. In all the moments I won’t be there to hold them- he will.
-Miss Ash
Beautiful!
thank you Mizz D 🙂