learning to let go and enjoy life
“Is it normal yet?” I find myself constantly being asked this question, primarily in regards to motherhood, specifically since I upped from 1 to 2. I too have asked this question in a variety of ways ” Have you settled into a routine?” “Have things begun to return to normal?” “How are you balancing everything?” Balance. That seems to be the buzzword of the western world. We all seem to be seeking out this “balance” in life.
Balance defined:
- A weighing device.
- A state of bodily equilibrium.
- A stable mental or psychological state; emotional stability.
- A harmonious or satisfying arrangement or proportion of parts or elements, as in a design.
- The difference in magnitude between opposing forces or influences
- The power to decide.
Wow. The power to decide. Yes, you, me, our children, our spouse- we all have the power to decide. We may not have the ability to determine our circumstance, or the outcome of someone elses behaviour, but we have the power to decide for ourselves the choices we will make, the responses we will expel, and the lifestyle we choose to pursue. What has it meant to me to seek balance? To choose to execute a life of purpose? To be honest, I often feel I am chasing after something, and while I am not exactly sure what this is, it is rarely in my sight line. And then I am prompted to stop- take inventory of my surroundings, and not always be looking around the next corner. These truly are the moments of our lives, this is what “the life” is made of. Kisses, babies, dirty floors, opening doors, snowy boots. These are the times we will look back on with fondness in our hearts and a glimmer in our eyes. This is what the 79 year old grandmamma sees when she looks at you with love and yearning. When she tells you “there is nothing more precious than a baby. Keep having more.” When she recalls the days she was held in her lover’s arms with a wistful gaze and a tear in her eye. These are the moments that will one day take our breath away.
I am as bad as anyone else. I to roll my eyes in frustration when I have put my baby to bed 4 times, and I hear his little whimpers just as I sit down. When I think my toddler is finally asleep, only to hear the pitter patter of his feet “Mama, I’m peeeeeeeeeeeeein’.” When my husband comes to me with a whiney baby “he must be hungry…” Sometimes, I try to remember what on earth I was doing before I was mama. Mama: wiper of snot, bearer of barf, holder of hearts. Mama: kisser of elbows, tummies and toes. Mama: changer of diapers, washer of laundry, sweeper of floor. Mama: sustainer of life, holder of hands, listener of mouths. I am a mama. The Mama to my boys, the only one they will ever have. The one who cared for them, danced with them, pushed them into the atmosphere. I think of those boys nearly every moment of every day. I love them, and often feel unqualified to fill the shoes of “mama.”
It has taken me nearly 3 years to realise that this is normal. Saturdays will not be a day of sleep and laziness for a long time to come. I will probably wake through the night for the rest of my life, and enjoy at least 4-5 years of having a visitor in the bathroom. Yes, when you are a mama, you rarely pee in peace, let alone shower or bathe. I won’t get to spend the day alone in bed when I am not feeling well, or head out on a date with my husband whenever we so choose. Pretty much everything from here on out will require some type of a game plan. The most creative thing I do today may be picking out my 2 year old’s outfit. And you know, I finally have realized that I am totally ok with it all.
Redefining Expectations. Redefine Normal.
I have had to redefine my normal. I have had to let go of some of my expectations, for myself, my husband, and my children. Productivity has a new meaning. I have heard many a humorous tale of the answer to “What is it moms do anyways?” I will say this: my life is not my own. Does that mean I am so immersed in motherhood, I have “lost” myself? I honestly believe that motherhood has been and will be the most challenging, purposeful act of my entire life, next to being a good wife to my husband. I don’t say this to put down people who are not mothers, either by choice or circumstance. I say this because, I know God put me on this earth to be a mother. What an amazing gift, and awesome responsibility. To raise these little boys to one day be men. But not just men. I have had dreams of my little boys changing the world around them, and I believe they have great things in store for both their young and adult life. I just hope I can have the wisdom to lead them along the way.
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men. ~Frederick Douglass
Practically speaking, I wanted to share a few of things that have helped me in the here and now. I have had to learn to let go of somethings, and to exhibit discipline with others.
- Getting ready: when I am ready it no longer consists of cute hair, makeup and outfit. That’s actually the last step. “Ready” goes something like this: do I have a sufficient supply of diapers, wipes, changes of clothes, water, snacks, toys, blankets, activities? Check. Throw on a hat. Dash of Mascara. Hmm, not too much shmutz on this shirt.
- While some people may never stop asking “Wow, you look really tired today!” I will accept that I look tired because I am. This is what I look like people!!
- There must be breakfast, lunch and dinner every day, and a good assortment of snacks! This saves all of us from going into melt down mode.
- Quiet time may not consist of hours at a time anymore, but I still must make a habit of finding 5-10 minutes here or there. The laundry can wait!
- 10 minutes of tidy before bed always makes for a nicer morning!
- Crockpots are an invention from heaven. Keep out and use often!
- It’s okay to ask for help. I don’t have to do everything on my own.
- I don’t have to be controlled by my kids “schedule.” They are resilient, and need a lot less than we think. We travel with our kids, and keep them up past bed time. They are generally happy and well-behaved. I do always arrange for them to have their naps, but we are not on a strict schedule. I find this brings un-needed stress into my life. I know some parents live by the schedule and routine, it keeps them sane. For me, I like knowing I have a little wiggle room, and that as long as my boys get down for their certain number of naps (2-3 for G and 1 for E) they will be ok!
- Forgive myself when I make a mistake. Sometimes I make the wrong choices as a parent, but, I can move on!
- We as a culture are so concerned with ‘independence’ that we often neglect our instincts. I know that sometimes nursing my baby to sleep, or bringing him to bed, or holding my toddler when he’s upset is ok. I also know that one day my toddler will be able to go off without me. Today is not that day, and I accept it. These moments are precious. I try to enjoy them, rather than dread being constantly needed. This can sound so ridiculous until you are the mama that is always needed! Sometimes, you just don’t want to be!
- Kiss my husband, hug him and love him. Take a moment in amidst all the crazy to let him know there is no other place I’d rather be!
These truly are the moments of our lives! This. Is. Normal.