Sometimes I want to be angry. I want to scream, and stomp my feet, and shake my fists, and throw myself on the bed in a heap of tears. Why does life have to be filled with so many hard things.
Why must we be broken.
I was writing on the weekend, reflecting on some things that have been happening in life lately. So much loss. Many that are dear to us have been facing health struggles lately, and it is hard. Many that are close to us have been losing loved ones too soon. And it is hard.
My heart breaks.
We had word of a dear couple who lost their sweet baby last week. I found myself weeping for them. So much hope for the life of your first baby, so much joy and anticipation… their sweet baby went to be with Jesus all too soon. My heart aches for them.
And I was reminded of the suffocating grief that so many must face. It.Is.Hard.
I rallied at God, why! Why even though I see his hand in cradling us… That couple is bonded with some very dear friends who are walking a very similar journey- a sweet daughter that they lost all too soon. There are so many who are rallying around them in this awful time. And I see God at work, I do. I know what it is to be protected under the shadow of his wing in horrid times. Yet, there is so much of me that just wishes we could know that grace another way.
He doesn’t want us to face these things. That perhaps there is no silver lining in grief. That the grass isn’t greener. That there will be no great revelation as to the “why” when the enemy steals. That sometimes, bad things happen… and it sucks.
On Easter weekend, the weekend that marks the pillar of the Christian faith, the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ- I was reading the Bible with my boys. And I was so overwhelmed by the Father Heart of God. His son crying out, but God could not spare him. The Hard, and the Loss, and the Grief, and the suffocating Pain. The Helplessness. It was there. But God had a greater plan… to work it for the good of those who love Him. Where the enemy meant to destroy, God would bring life from the broken places.
Later that day I cradled our sweet girl in my arms. And I told God that I do not know, but I trust him. He brought peace to the storm.
It is not a consolation. It is not a sliver lining. It simply is what it is. Sometimes we face horrible things… and while the optimist in us may want to say “But now you have your baby, and you really understand the gift” “Or now you can help so many through sharing you story…” “Or at least you know…” “Or one day it will be revealed…” “You had so many good memories together, think about that”
Sometimes we need to be ok that there is no joy in grief.
It is what it is. It doesn’t need an explanation.
-Miss Ash