Reflections and Rest

Happy New Year sweet friends. It feels like it has been a while! I have been in a season of less documenting and sharing, and more letting go to recover from a really draining season.

I realized that, although life is good, and there are so many good things going on- I have been feeling really depleted! Can you relate? It’s not even burn out per se, more just giving until there isn’t much left- and feeling like I really needed to prioritize things in my life. My boys being in 6 & 4 grade, with 2 little ones underfoot has been a more demanding season in terms of schooling. While they’re quite independant in many ways, there are much more complex concepts going on. Elijah is doing Algebra, and the boys are writing 1-2 papers a week… it’s just a completely different season! So to keep on top of that I have to maintain a pretty strict routine.

And then comes work. I have a love hate relationship- because while I love being creative, and doing web design, and managing Maker House Studio with Matt, I also wish I could pursue my own creative endeavors- like sharing more here on my blog 😉

I have always loved that there are no rules here. I don’t do it for money, or analytics, or to promote a certain brand… it’s just me. Oh what a beautiful thing.

So I guess, since I haven’t had much uninterrupted time to sit and write, or take photos and edit them- I have begun to bake bread! Haha. In September I stopped buying bread and started making all of our bagels and bread from scratch. I especially love baking sourdough and g-free sourdough (since I don’t eat wheat in order to manage a gallbladder issue that came up almost 6 years ago)

Baking bread is a slow process, of taking simple ingredients like flower and water and yeast, and creating something that is a feast for the senses. Some of my sourdough loaves are a 24 hour process and it reminds me that everything in life doesn’t have to be hurried and convenient.

I was recently prompted to answer the question “What do you do just for you, creatively… not to share it with the world. But just for yourself.” And I realized that baking bread is one of those things. I’m not sure why I enjoy it so much, seeing as how I don’t actually eat the bread myself. But, it’s a simple act of service to my family, and it reminds me that even if all of life seems crazy and unpredictable, I can always bake bread.

I am such a thinker, and tinkerer, and dreamer and doer. It is in fact a complicated thing to be a doer… because one might find it very difficult to rest. I find deep satisfaction in accomplishing tasks. However, I recently realized that perhaps, I will find something to add to my list no matter how many things I cross off. So, I may as well sit and snuggle my children, or play the game, or go for the walk… or not yell at everyone to hurry, hurry, hurry as we go out the door.

A few months ago I was feeling very low about my abilities as a wife and mom. A little sense of panic began to set over me- as though perhaps I had missed out on life, feeling in a funk, and doing a million things yet not knowing what my goals were. But then there’s God and his good grace.

At the end of November a precious friend asked me to join her in a daily bible study for advent- a book we had gotten 4 years prior. And so I determined to be faithful to that- and we set up weekly chats- either in person or over the phone, to discuss what we were learning or found interesting.

And wouldn’t you know, that God began to speak to my heart, and take away some of that shame and fear and stress that had started to clench it and suffocate it. And I began to hunger for his word again.

“Taste and see that the Lord is Good. Blessed is the one who takes refuge in him.” – Psalm 34:8

So for the past few months I have stopped buring the midnight oil. I have determined to sit down here and there, and take my kids sledding or go for an adventure. I can’t explain the emotion this makes me feel, or the relief!

I was saying to Matt that I have always lived my life as though I am answering to someone… I am not sure you can relate, but it’s like, at the end of the day I have to say “See! Look at all I’ve done! Look at how productive I’ve been! I haven’t stopped for a moment!”

And yet, this has left me feeling conflicted, distracted, and tired. I can’t explain the relief of feeling a bit more focus. Pursue God’s voice above all else… spend time in prayer and in the word daily. Ask him for clarity, and have faith that he will lead me.

Some passages that have really impacted me as of late are all of Hebrews, Matthew 16, Phillipians 2 and much of Isaiah.

I have been painting furniture and decluttering and decorating rooms… yet it just hasn’t been something that I have felt inclined to share. I think instagram has perhaps made a sweet thing a bit bitter to me- because it has elevated things of small importance above things of great importance. And so I want to be mindful in how I communicate, and what I share, and more than anything why I share. I sat down to write about my word of the year, and all of this seemed to pour out instead.

My word of the year is hope.

“And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us.” Romans 5:5

All around me there seems to be hopelessness. Marriages are failing, death is taking children and family members to soon, businesses are closing down, so many are lost and hurting… and yet. God has poured out his love into our hearts. His HOPE is ours if we simply receive it. And that is something I want to talk about.

xo

-Miss Ash