Having it together

This morning I slept later then I should have. There are dirty baskets of laundry, walls that need painting, dishes that need putting away, children that need feeding and tender care. A husband that needs help and encouragement. Bills that need paying, decisions that need making, customers that need tending, vehicles that need fixing…

The list goes on.

It is so simple to compare ourselves to a snapshot of another’s life. To think “one day, I might have it together… like them.” To be parents that have a clue as to what they are doing, instead of making it up as we go. To be answering the creative calling, the God calling in our lives. To be financially free, and not wondering what kind of income next month will bring. To have stability. To have the ability to support all of the amazing people, and projects that come along with them. To not have to be so dang innovative in how we do every little thing. To have less of a to do list.

These things overwhelm me, and sometimes I find comfort in the “one day, some day…” but I don’t want to wish these days away. I don’t want to begrudge that God has put within us a gift of “getting things done” A gift of wanting to work towards something greater then our everyday comfort. A gift of learning about others stories and wanting to share them. The gift of 3 children, that are a huge responsibility, but one that God has trusted us with… trusted us to turn to HIM when we don’t have the answers.

He has given us help… And that overwhelms me sometimes. In a deep and humbling, beautiful way. When my sweet friend sends me a text to have the boys over for a play date… or for a hot cup of coffee and a listening ear. Or a speaking heart. When my mother in law watches our boys so we can run errands, or have adult time with friends. Or cuddles a fussy baby so I can eat a hot meal. When Matt’s dad steps in to help manage business contracts and jobs. When Heath works together with Matt at The Space, bringing hope, friendship and encouragement. When my mom sends me vitamins in the mail, clothes for my kids (because to be honest, I have never enjoyed shopping… especially with 3 kids in tow) or a cute idea to let me know she is thinking of us. When she blesses us with generosity. When a cheque or a contract or a job comes up at just the right time. When my sister answers my texts with humor and wit, and listens to my pointless updates about the day, because that somehow makes me feel like I am not living my days alone with 3 little people. When people get inspired because of action. When others challenge us to keep creating, moving, answering; to not get caught up in the worldliness of this life.

I honestly feel that most days in this life we are literally flying by the seat of our pants. I want to be better, and to do better. I want to grow, and be a part of other’s growth. I want to learn, change, be. I want to engage with the Holy Spirit.

Sometimes I get so selfish, and think we are the only ones being pulled in a million different directions. I think “If such and such only knew all we have on our plates…” But you know what? I want to be a doer. A changer, a shaker. I love my husband’s generosity. Sometimes I feel floored because, he doesn’t see all that he does… how deeply he loves. It’s hard being married to a man like Matt. It’s hard because he challenges me to look away from myself, and my kids… and my marriage. He doesn’t let me have tantrums. Yet he cradles me in my brokenness. It is the greatest gift God could have given me. A husband that sharpens. One that feeds my creativity, yet challenges my expectations. The root of my heart. The motivation behind my actions. Perhaps we live with too few boundaries, or perhaps we are learning how to live a life not our own.

One thing I have learned, and am needing to constantly be reminded of… is that the perception of my circumstance is completely, and utterly dependant on my perspective. I can live from a place of not having, not getting, not being enough; or, I can live from a place of gratitude and generosity. The world teaches us how to build walls, but the heart calls us to hold hands.

-Miss Ash