What if I Fall? What if I Fail?

Lately God has been gently nudging me to live a courageous life. I have a strong desire to be the best, and succeed in the things I set out to do. As a kid, I would often let that desire stop me from doing anything- because I was the new kid on the block…trying a new style of dance, a sport, an art project, singing… there was always someone better then me, and I didn’t want to get laughed at. In high school I tried to drop AP English because I got a 20% on my first paper… now I write everyday. But, I thought I wasn’t a writer. My teacher worked with me, and fought for me when I tried to quit. I came in early, and stayed late- and she helped me format my thoughts. She believed in me, and that taught me to believe in myself.

When I was in grade 10 I started dancing at a new studio- I was chosen for a lead role because our recital piece for Ballet was re-creating the final ballet from “Centre Stage.” I was one of the few blonde ballerinas. I had just taken 2 years off of dancing, and had only had one year en pointe at the barre. I was mortified, but also too afraid to speak up that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it because it felt like I didn’t really have an option, so I was thrust into the part. I was the opening number- I rode on stage on the back of a harley, and danced to Michael Jackson. Never in a million years would I have volunteered, let alone tried out for that part.

I practised multiple times a week, until my shoes were dead and my toes were bloody. My feet have never looked as bad as they did that spring. I had my first encounter with pas de deux, and felt completely out of my element. But at the same time, I knew I wanted to give this role 100%. I may not be have been the best dancer on stage- I couldn’t nail 14 fouettes, I was an awkward 14 year old, but, I did it. I made it through, and it wasn’t even a disaster! And when I came on stage for my final number “Just Dance!!!” by Jamiroquai, I had the most fun ever! Despite the fact that I got bitten by a fire ant the day of rehearsal and I couldn’t even get my shoe on because my foot was so swolen.

I learned, through being thrust into that position, that my fear of failing was keeping me from even trying. What if I can’t do it? Well, I fought that doubt a lot, but I did do it in the end. When I was 18 I choreographed a duet for my sister and I… needless to say I had no idea what I was doing. We took it to competition- and it was a disaster. Our teacher put together a new dance and we took it to every competition after… I was a boy. Literally, that was my character… well, an army boy to be exact.

The thing is, if I would have never tried, I would have never found my love for choreography. Sometimes I look back at a dance and wonder where it came from? How was it born… it is a collaboration between the choreographer and dancer to bring something to life… There are many times I am brought to tears by the beautiful dancers that dance my pieces- because they partnered with me, and they trusted me… and their story is shining through as much as mine. I am forever grateful. They may not be the best dances on earth, but they have their role, and they have spoken to others.

So, what if we fall? Worse, what if we fail? What if we try something and no one likes it, what if we don’t even like it. A career, a paint color, a dance, a blog post. What if no one likes what you have to say, or worse, what if no one notices at all. Isn’t that what we are often even more afraid of? If we try and no one cares whether it succeeds or fails?

I am going to use an example relating to my blog. The {Thrifted Finds} link up was last week- and guess what?! NO ONE linked up. Not. A. Soul. Was it a failure? Well, I suppose if the goal is to have someone join your link party, then yes, it failed miserably. But for me- it is a success in that I stepped out and started somewhere. I think I face that every time I hit publish… This last year has been a really interesting journey for me in the blogging world. For example when I published Our Simple Gallery Wall-I felt like it was pretty cute in general, even though gallery walls intimidate me. I think that post got about 20 views. It felt like a waste. I was excited about it, my photos were half decent, but no one read it… Fast forward a month later when The Nester somehow stumbled upon my blog and shared that exact post. Now literally thousands of people have seen it. I don’t know who, because you didn’t comment 😉 But I see those stats. haha.

Within a week I was on 3 of my favorite blogs, and it was humbling and exciting. It was also confirming… if we never try doing the things we love, we will never be doing the things we love.

I love blogging. I love dancing. I love creating. I love encouraging others to live a passion filled life, to try new things! If every time I felt afraid of failing or falling, or not being the best, I just stopped… well, I wouldn’t be living a very meaningful life.

Yesterday E really wanted to learn how to tie his shoes. He is 7. He also wants to be the best at everything he does, and expects to get things the first time. *ahem*  This is challenging as a mom. It’s challenging because most of the things he tries come really easily to him, but when he doesn’t get things its borderline the end of the world in his little mind. I am trying to show him that it’s ok to try and not get something right away, to make a mistake, or to not meet the goal. He tried to tie his shoes 3 times and got frustrated.

I asked him if he could always walk or read or talk? I pointed to his sister and reminded him of all the things she couldn’t do 6 months ago… she couldn’t sit, she couldn’t talk, she didn’t eat- and now she is babbling, crawling, almost walking…

“You will tie your shoes. You might not tie them today. But someday you will get it. Your hands have to learn what to do. They have to practice the motion of holding the lace in your fingers, looping the ears and putting them through the hole. I know it feels impossible, but you will get it. Until you do, I will help you.”

He took a break, and about 10 minutes later he tied his shoes. He had wanted to give up because he tried and he failed. But, he kept at it, and last night he tied his soccer cleats before he ran out the door.

There is a saying that says we try to teach our kids, but our kids teach us. My kids teach me all the time. Mostly, about the Father Heart of God. For all of the times I have been afraid because I failed, and wanted to stop, He has been there prodding me along to keep trying. In the big things and in the small.

He prodded me to get out of bed after my dad died. To get a job, to talk to people again. To laugh, to love, to share, to talk about him.

He prodded me to let go of the feeling that said “run away” when I fell in love with my husband, because I loved him so much, I was too afraid of having to face losing him. What would I have missed out on if I would have run in the other direction?

I posted this photo of my boys running at the beach the other day. This is one of my favorite verses ever from Esther.

I want to say yes more, and I am learning to do that every day. To choose to live life to the fullest, even if it means I fall. Even if it means I fail. Even if it means it hurts.

I will fall, I will fail, and I am ok with that. It’s part of the journey. Sometimes we have to face the really hard things, to know the people, the places, the moments of greatest beauty.

So I say try that new lipstick color! Paint your living room, apply for the job… sell your house and move to a new city… walk through the doors. Whatever it is, big or small, the first step is just taking a step. I would love to pray for you as you face these things in your life- so if you would like me to pray please fire me an email at

thismamasdance{at}gmail.com

There is nothing too big or small. Maybe you need peace. God is the giver of peace.

Love and blessings today and each day,

-Miss ash