The Gift of Responsibility
In a Culture driven by consumerism, and the American Dream, the sense of entitlement within young (and old) people astounds me. Something has gotten lost in translation, and the sentiment “You Can Do Anything” has been altered to include “without working very hard” “or the moment you want to.” Unfortunately some learn the hard way that this is simply not the case. Adulthood carries responsibility, and pursuing ones dreams does not come without hard work and dedication. There may be bumps in the road, but knowing that we can set goals and reach them, or even perhaps fail yet get back up again, is an important part of our development as adults.
Always remain teachable.
This is something that I very much want my sons to grasp. I believe it is something that starts from a young age. While my sons may try something and not succeed the first time, I want to encourage them to look at it from a different angle, and try again!
This is where responsibility comes in. Teaching responsibility and independence are two different things. Independence emphasizes the self- what is necessary to help me survivie. Responsibility is more community oriented, with the group collective in mind. Knowing that what you are doing (or not doing) will affect the overall group, gives one the sense of ownership, value, and investment needed to help a community thrive. I believe that starts in the home.
In our house we have begun to delegate age appropriate responsibilities to our 3 year old son. No, he does not have a list of daily chores, but he is learning the expectations and requirements of being a contributing member of our family. He helps to set the table at dinner, he takes out the compost, he puts his dishes on the counter after meals or helps unload the silverware. He picks up toys, or pours and mixes baking ingredients. Most of these activities he is eager to do, and enjoys. Sometimes, it becomes a “chore” (for example, cleaning up his brothers toys, or his craft items) and those are the times when he learns about team work. I will help him finish the job, because, after all, he is 3.
What I see in my son as he learns to do these things, is a sense of pride and accomplishment. He has a role and place in our family. He is a valuable member of our family, and together we come to understand where we all fit. As a parent, it is my (and my husbands) role to give my son parameters and guidelines within our family, and in turn the world. This is not always easy, for me or him, but together we are learning. Learning about the limitations of your responsibility for self, can be difficult. For example, he had 2 or 3 pieces of candy at a parade. The week after that, he asked me for candy every morning. I then explain to him that we don’t eat candy for breakfast. “But I love candy mommy!” I can lose patience when explaining the same things day after day, but I have to remember that he is working out in his mind what is ok, and what isn’t. He asks me “Mamma, can I do this….” “Can I?” “Can I play with that toy…” And sometimes I wonder why he is seeking out my permission, when it is obvious he is allowed… but again, he is learning about decision making and guidelines.
I can remember as a child, longing for structure. I would make chore lists for myself and siblings (I come from a family of 8) I would organize dinner nights … and while they were rarely implemented, it was something I longed to have as a part of my day to day life. In elementary school, when there was a sticker chart incentive that included helping our teacher with things like tidying the chairs, work stations or cleaning the chalk board, I was all over it. I also loved to check books off the required reading list. I liked knowing what the expectation was, and what I needed to do to fulfill my role. What was my responsibility as a member of the class room?
Every child learns differently, but I think it is safe to say that every child thrives when their value is realized. When they feel needed and necessary. The same goes for an adult. We don’t want to simply be contributing to society because we have to, we want to be the one for the job. We want to be unique in what we are contributing.
Now that I have 2 boys, I am trying to be mindful of allowing them to act their age, while still calling them to something greater than themselves, or our societies expectations of their capabilities. They are after all little people, with hearts and minds that are sensitive to the comings and goings of those around them, watching all they do. It seems to take much practice to breed good habits, yet one slip up to evoke bad ones.
Today I try to teach my 16mth old that biting his brother is not ok. My responsibility to the both of them. Noble indeed.